The Difference That Changes Everything in Bed

From Being Desired to Desiring

Something has been sitting in my heart since our last Between the Sheets bookclub group call. (Our group zooms always leave my heart cracked wide open!)

One of the deepest healing paths for a woman (sexually, emotionally, spiritually) is the path from being a sexual object… to becoming a sexual subject.

And I want to explain this in very simple terms.

When you’re objectifying yourself, even in subtle ways, you’re watching and experiencing yourself from the outside:
Do I look sexy?
Is he enjoying this?
Am I doing it right?
Am I good enough?

Your attention is on how you’re being perceived.

You become something to be desired - an object of someone else’s desire.
Something to be consumed.
Something to be approved of.
Pleasure becomes something you give to someone else.

This means that as long as you are an object of desire, you are forever dependent on the consumer’s satisfaction in order to feel good about yourself. If the partner is happy with you, then you are happy with you.

Now let’s flip it.

When you are the subject of your own pleasure, the gaze turns inward.

You’re inside your body and your heart:
Do I like this?
Do I feel safe?
Does this feel good to me?
Is this person compatible with me?

You’re not performing pleasure anymore.
You’re experiencing it!!!!

As a subject, pleasure isn’t something you offer or give to others.
It’s something you inhabit.

And this is where things get tender and real.

So many women struggle in their sex lives not because they’re broken… but because they’re being objectified, even by loving partners.

At first, objectification can feel validating. It feels like being wanted, like being noticed. We allow others to objectify us at the beginning of a relationship because we want to feel chosen by them.

But give it months. Give it years and eventually something inside you begins to resist this objectification.

Your libido quiets.
Your body tightens.
You feel slightly “off.”

And instead of realising, Oh… I don’t want to be consumed,
you think, Something must be wrong with me.

But when you begin to resist objectification, that’s actually a sign of sexual health and awareness.

That’s growth!!!!!!!

We’ve been trained to be objects. It’s familiar.

But becoming a subject?
That can feel awkward.
Foreign.
Even unsafe at first.

And this is exactly what I explore with the women I work with.

Since private coaching isn’t affordable to everyone, I’ve created a bookclub called “Between the Sheets” where we dive into this together as a group.

We meet twice per month on zoom and in between the meet-ups, we read books about love/sex/relationships and connect daily on a secret app.

We are not just reading books about sex and relationships — but actually asking ourselves:
Where am I performing?
Where am I disconnecting?
Where am I still objectified?

And slowly, together, we practice shifting back into the body, into becoming the SUBJECTS of our pleasure.

Because here’s the difference:

The object of pleasure wants to be wanted.
The subject of pleasure wants to be connected.

The object performs.
The subject feels.

And that shift — from “performing sex” to “being sex” changes everything.

If this speaks to you, my book club doors are open. Join monthly or subscribe for a year. We begin a new sex book end of this month.

Come explore your pleasure as subject with us.

Who’s ready? 💛